What Do Vampires Wish For?

The lanky undead considered the question posed by the chubby and hardly fearless fairy godmother before him.

“What do vampires wish for? To end the bloody boredom. Decades of the same old hunt and suck, dodge the prey in the day, bite the blighter in the night.

“If you do fall in love with one of the prey, you basically see how long you can wait it out for them to die–of natural causes or of you, whether you finally decide make them or not.  Ennui. Tedium. And double such, if you do make one of them, as being undead always changes a person in ways you don’t expect.  While there might be undying love, it doesn’t appear to be between the undead.

“It’s fun at first, especially making a new identity every few years, setting up Swiss bank accounts and such, but it wears on one’s nerves, always having to move on and on after culling the herd in a particular area. Some poor sods are as bad at death as they were in life, but at least they have no bills, no debts, or none that anyone can collect. They just bumble around, whining to anyone who will listen, and thinking of watching the last sunrise.

“There’s no fun in anything after a while, especially when you just can’t feel anything any more except the thirst, and eventually that too goes away. Life is wasted on the living, whose dull senses can’t smell the death in every rose, every breeze, every musician whose work scrapes across the eardrum. Even robots grind their bearings away and click their endless popping and fizzing circuits.

“I’ve tried to be one of those ‘righteous’ types who only take out drug dealers and whatever definition one might have of lowlife scum, but bankers just taste better than junkies.  I suppose I do my bit to clean up the gene pool too, sometimes taking out the whole family, one at a time, especially the younger ones, before they can breed.

“I’m not into killing innocent animals, and the closest I can imagine being a vegetarian is slurping an emergency pint of green coconut milk. Shudder. But then I can hardly worry about starving to death, and madness is not very far from where I live with my healthy dose of paranoia and my penchant for the nightlife and underworld. The Shadow does know what evil lurks in the hearts of men:  me.

“So what can you do for me, fairy godmother? You can’t kill me, you can’t make me fall in love, and I can see through any glamour you can throw over me.” His eyes gave her the piercing look that was usually followed by his piercing kiss.

“You’re right of course,” Maven said. “If you don’t know what you want, I certainly can’t give it to you. It’s a rule.”

Lurleen in the Cafe O’Lay

The words weren’t coming out of Lurleen’s pen onto her purple spiral notebook with college ruled pages. She’d come in early on a Tuesday, knowing that it would be slow until after seven, so she would have some writing time.

Plenty of time but no words. She couldn’t bear to write down the mundane things that happened in her life,  the divorce, the miscarriage, the  family’s redneck crudities, even the small dramas of the bar that sometimes ended in bloodshed. That was too real. She wanted to escape into another world, one that made more sense, where the good guys looked different from the bad guys.

She sighed in despair until someone walked through the wall of the Café O’Lay.

Lurleen stared at the wall at the corner of the bar near the bathrooms, where the old projector room had been when the café had been the concession stand at the drive-in, back when Lurleen was a little girl. It was a plain cinderblock wall, many times painted but showing every impact of bullet, chair and redneck skull. The woman had walked right through it, just like it was a beaded curtain.

The woman was chubby, dressed like a fairy in lavender gossamer that draped and flowed around her, making her look like a cross between an ancient hippie chick and a salvation army lingerie counter. She had dragonfly wings that vibrated and buzzed every so often. She appeared to be fifty-ish with some wrinkles and, short salt and pepper hair. She could have been anyone’s aunt–probably the cheek-pinching kind.

The woman hitched her hip up on a bar stool.  “While you are deciding what you want to wish for, you can get me a beer. Draft. Guinness if you got it.”

Lurleen’s professional habits kicked in while her brain refused to process what was going on. She grabbed a mug, filled it and handed it over. “Want a tab?”

The woman didn’t answer at once. She was too busy sucking down the beer. When she came up for air, she said, “Sure. Now about that wish. You only get one, so think carefully.”

Maybe I’m dreaming, or this is some kind of flashback, Lurleen thought. She’d been heavy into the drug scene in college, but that was years ago. She didn’t even drink now, not even coffee, coke or sweet tea. She wet her hand at the sink and wiped the cold water over her face. The woman quaffed the rest of her beer and held out the mug for more.

“Okay, who are you, and how did you get through the wall?” Lurleen took the mug and filled it back up, though she had a premonition that the beer would never be paid for, not even in fairy gold.

“Maven’s my name. I’m your fairy godmother,” Maven said. She turned to look at the wall behind her. She fished a wand out of a hidden pocket in her gossamer and waved it across the wall. “I’m not sure how I got here. Must be some kind of dimensional door.” She walked over to the wall and ran her hand across it. “Interesting. Maybe you have to make your wish before I can go back.” She came back to the bar and sat on a stool. She didn’t seem at all concerned, except that she reached for her mug.

Lurleen pulled the mug back, out of reach. “You got any money on you? I believe in what I can see and feel for myself, some chick who promises wishes.”

“Fair enough,” Maven said. “Clients aren’t supposed to pay for their wishes. She dug back into her pocket and brought something out. She blew dust off it and wiped it off with a corner of her sleeve. “Twenty bucks do me for a while? Of course, the piece might be worth more as gold.”

She handed Lurleen a twenty-dollar gold piece, dated MCMVII–1907, with the figure of Liberty holding a flame and a branch.  The back said United States of America. It looked real enough. Lurleen bit it, although she wasn’t sure what that was supposed to prove. She handed the beer to Maven. “Okay, I’ll bite. What’s the deal?”

“You were wishing hard enough that I heard you all the way to Faery–which isn’t so far away from here.” Maven cradled the sweating mug in her hands and sucked down the beer as if it were the last water for 500 miles.  “So what do you want? Books? How many and what subjects?” She brought out her wand again and waved it over the bar. A stack of books appeared, some hard backs, some paperbacks, all over two inches thick, all with bright covers that proclaimed Lurleen Snipes much larger than the titles. The subject matter was hidden in the graphic design.

“Wait, no! I want to write them.” Lurleen pushed them away, although the feel of of her name in red foil letters under her fingertips was hard to resist.

“So, write.” The books disappeared. “You want a bestseller.  Just give the word.” Maven drained the mug. “If that’s what you want.” Her voice had an edge of warning, just a note of ‘be careful what you ask for.’

What Lurleen wanted was to get away, to live out there in the world where life made some sense but to make it this time. She’d failed out of college, she’d failed out of marriage, she’d failed out of motherhood, and she wasn’t even much good as a barmaid in her momma’s whorehouse. She couldn’t face leaving this hellhole and then having to come home again with her tail tucked and her ears pinned back.

Maven handed her the mug, nodding at it significantly. “Take your time. There ain’t no beer in Faery.”

Fairy Tales for Retelling

Re-spinning traditional tales is its own genre, with lovely twists like those in Elizabeth Ann Scarborough’s  Godmother trilogy,  or Mercedes Lackey’s The Fairy Godmother from her Tales of the Five Hundred Kingdoms.  Tanith Lee has her Red as Blood, and Sherri S. Tepper tells Beauty‘s tale.  Movies like Ella Enchanted, Shrek, and The 10th Kingdom braid old stories together into new tapestries.

Are there any tales other than Cinderella that have not been sufficiently mined, smelted, recast, spun and hammered?

I heard today that the Beast of Disney’s Beauty and the Beast is the most watched movie hero-lover of all time, including Erroll Flynn, Clarke Gable, Paul Newman, Brad Pitt, and Johnny Depp.  What that says for the future of little girls everywhere is a bit frightening, but that story could take some more twists, as could Rapunzel, Goldilocks and Red Riding Hood, and in some of the older versions, the less cute ones..  I’d like to see some of the less popular tales retold–Vasalisa the Brave, Tattersails, The Master MaidThe She-Bear, the Armless Maiden, stories of girls who lived their own lives and saved the day for their homes and husbands to be.

What tales would you have retold?

Three Wish Stories

The first rule of granting wishes is “Be careful what you wish for–you might get it.”

Three themes exist in the make-a-wish stories:

  • the one wish that sets the machinery of the universe in motion
  • the unthinking wish that must be corrected by the last wish
  • the no-matter-what-you-wish, it will turn out badly–the monkey’s paw wish.

Cinderella and Aladdin are able to wish for what they want, and having put a wedge of magic into their lives, their circumstances change.  Cinderella has only the one wish, and she must do what she can to make things work out,  at least in the Perrault-Disney versions. In older variations, she and her many sisters, such as Catskin, must appear to the prince three times in ever finer finery,  and still resort to trickery to get around the evil of her enemies. But there is no problem with the wish itself. She gets what she asks for, and the story goes from there.

Aladdin gets sucked into a evil plot and by his own trickery manages to get out of it with the help of the genie. All he really needs is the wealth to get the girl–a mirror opposite of Cinderella. In the Disney version, he must choose between what he desires and what he has promised–to let the genie out of the bottle for ever.  Giving the genie back his own life seems like the obvious choice, if the genie can be trusted to be his friend, but Aladdin does not know that.  He does honor his promise, however, and the genie is then able to help him much more than would have been possible with one last wish.  This is one of few stories where the modern version shows more moral fiber than the traditional story, and it shows the genie as a character (Robin Williams!) rather than a plot device.

More traditional stories show a  man finding the genie’s bottle and only escaping with his life because he tricks the genie into going back into the bottle. The genie has vowed to kill the person who releases him, ostensibly so that he will be free of a master,  but his arrogance and pride get him put back in the bottle, which the man throws back into the sea.

Another variation, both of the wish and of the magical animal helper variety, has a fisherman being granted a  wish because he releases the magical fish he has caught.  The fish grants a number of wishes for the fisherman’s wife, each time to be more powerful and grand.  Each time the fisherman is more uncomfortable with the changes in his life as he must behave as a more and more powerful person, and he begs his wife to be content. But when his wife is not satisfied being empress and wants to be a god, the fish makes them go back to being poor, and the fisherman is happy again.

The wishing-for-too- much-story is reflected in the stupid wishes story. A person is granted three wishes for doing some kindness to a magical being, but when the person and spouse try to decide what to wish for,  they get into an argument and waste their opportunity.  In one variation, the man only wishes for a better dinner than he usually gets, which makes the wife angry, so she wishes that his dinner–usually a sausage–would be stuck to his nose. The last wish, of course, brings them back to where they were, no richer and no wiser.

The darkest version of the wish gone wrong is the Monkey’s Paw story,  where the magical token is given to the person, with a warning that it is dangerous, but without explanation of how it is dangerous.  In each case the  wish is granted, but under terrible circumstances. The man wishes to have a sum of money, but it is the death of his son that results in the money coming to him. The wife is in such grief that she wishes her son alive again, after being buried for two weeks,  and only int he nick of time, the man wishes the son back in his grave and at piece, while the zombie corpse is hammering on the front door to be let in. While the initial wish was not particularly foolish or greedy, the consequences leave the people worse off than before, a cautionary tale. Be careful what you wish for.

While the fairy godmother story usually only tells of the first kind of wish,  most of the stories do not tell much about what happens after the wish. At most, three days go by, and then the prince is able finally, to recognize or find his princess, and all is well, happily ever after.  But few stories really tell the tale of what happens after midnight when everything goes back to what it was, or discusses how the person is different for having had the wish experience, how the rest of the prince’s household deals with the new princess or what happens after happily ever after.

That’s what fiction is for.  And that’s why the realm of Fiction is such a threat to Fiona. Faery is being swallowed up with the elaborated tales that explore what happens when you get what you wish for.